Two years ago I made my first solo trip to Paris, France. 5 months later, I returned for another rendez-vous. I fell in love with how small I really was along the massive river banks with ages of different memories, and the dirty and chaotic streets juxtaposed with centuries old gold ornate buildings once ruled by the most influential people in the world.
I was left forever inspired by the never-ending art scene and the kindness of French people I met along my travels. Who helped me with my first Parisian metro ticket, and who showed me the best macarons are by Pierre Hermé and not Ladurée.
My eyes dazzled at the luxury flagship stores along Champs-Élysées and my mouth watered over the vintage Issey Miyake and Jean Paul Gaultier at vintage stores like Palace Callas.
Before I ever traveled outside American borders I knew I wanted to live abroad. Or so I thought. I did not have much opportunity to travel growing up and I continually lusted for it.
Freshly graduated from University at the ripe age of 23, I took advantage of the endless opportunities ahead of me. With my eyes set on Paris, I landed in Bordeaux.
It's been exactly 365 days since I sold mostly everything I owned, packed the rest in 2 suitcases (mostly clothes), dodged the overweight bag fee due to the clerks sympathy, and moved out of my little studio apartment in Minneapolis, Minnesota across the ocean and into Bordeaux, France.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
Today, the air is the exact same as it was when I arrived one year ago.
I, however, am not.
Quite honestly, I didn’t fully acknowledge or begin to process what I had done to myself until 6 months in. After experiencing weekly breakdowns and increasingly growing tired of them, it hit me– I had let go of everything I knew and loved to start a new life in an environment I couldn’t verbally interact with. I felt hollow. Dumb. Naive. Guilty. Scared.
But if there was one thing that remained with me was this– to use painful emotions to transform.
“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” — Tony Robbins.
I’d like to share with you some things I have learned about moving abroad and becoming an expat. But a story, or several, come along with it.
I’ve made it a point to make it positive, because you really can choose to see it whichever way you like. Which is in fact, yes, something I had learned.
Yes let me be clear– I moved to France not speaking French.
Okay, I knew bonjour and oui, but I surely didn't know oh là là was actually serious. And I didn’t know how resistant the French are to speaking English. Whether they don’t know the language or are just pretending they don't, they couldn't care less or bother to try.
We’re in France after all, we speak French here.
Shortly after I arrived I quickly fell very insecure. Unknowingly I was grieving and quite honestly confused.
Where was the wanderlust? Why is my life not magically transformed?
The person I was a year ago held herself to an unbelievably high and unrealistic standard of perfection with no room for understanding and grace.
I was a wreck. I hadn’t acknowledged the 360 reality of my situation or let myself accept all that I had lost, given up, and gained until 6 months into this journey.
One thing sure to inspire growth and change is feeling sick and fatigued in your current situation. I was sick of crying multiple times a week, and I was tired of feeling miserable.
I almost said that is a long time to waste and sit in pain. But I don’t think it is so wasteful when you just don't know what you don't know and are open to discovering, learning, and grieving.
This is one of the most important things I had learned– to give myself grace.
Meaning, to make the choice to interact with yourself and the world with goodwill and kindness. Give yourself a break. Observe and understand yourself and the situation you find yourself in from a third degree.
We all end up in our present moment and situation due to the unraveling of each moment beforehand. Notice where you stand in the middle of the rest of the world given your personal experiences.
To fully meet with myself and accept her capacity to be imperfect allowed me to finally heal and move forward.
I came to France to learn the language because I wanted to learn. I moved abroad to give myself the gift of wonder and discovery of myself and another way of life. Why would I then, expect myself to have mastered such grandiose tasks in 180 days?
In an attempt to deconstruct my perfectionism, I have also come to see such beauty in embracing imperfection. It is much more interesting, much more complex to look at.
Imperfection in humanity leaves open a gap for passion, for intensity, chaos, humility, pride, curiosity and reflection.
Embracing imperfection is a beautiful opportunity to explore and familiarize with yourself, as well as acceptance for the world around you in its truth.
It is then easier for you, to learn to understand yourself, and grow from your point of initiation. You gain a higher respect for yourself and it is not easily broken down by others' perceptions of you.
My next point– Life is about exploring and learning. And fucking up sometimes.
We are all experiencing life for the first time.
Life, if you let it, can be about learning, and messing up, and learning along the way. Sometimes lessons arrive to us in epiphanies; softly, peacefully. Sometimes lessons click into applications immediately. Other times lessons have the capacity to be catastrophic, heartbreaking, or just simply challenging. All of its deliveries are okay, natural, and a part of life. They recur in their own seasons. Do not forget that you yourself are of life too.
Along with that too- let yourself be ugly. Let yourself experience things for the first time.
Say the wrong words in a new language. Say the “wrong” unpolished sentence pitching yourself to a potential boss or client. Go to the gym and try a push up and just fall down. You will never improve if you never try.
And do it again. And again.
Leaving all that I had known, re-establishing my life and learning what it takes to make it in another part of the world is my most challenging, yet most valuable experience I have put myself through.
My goals one year ago were to improve my French, lose weight, learn a new skill, find a job in France, and continue to heal my heart.
Giving myself grace allowed me to break down a wall that was withholding several vulnerable challenges to overcome. In battle there is always a winner. When it's you versus you, or you versus life, as long as you don’t give up you are guaranteed to win. There are infinite moves and countermoves.
I first arrived in France as an Au Pair to 2 magical little sisters. They truly were like my best friends, or my own sisters and we got along very well. Due to my unresolved efforts to streamline inefficiencies with the dynamic between the parents, I expressed my unhappiness. It was made clear to me they were unhappy with each other too which posed a problem for me in such an intimate job.
It became a bit deeper than that. Within the same conversation I was told “we’re really impressed with you, the girls love you and the parents after school love you” and in another moment I was told they thought I didn’t care about the job. I initiated this conversation because I wanted to improve the dynamic for all of us involved.
Without going into too much detail, I felt like attempts to take advantage of me were made and I was no longer comfortable going forward.
I granted us the courtesy of 2 weeks together to find replacement families and au pairs. That same day by text message I was asked to pack my bags without seeing or saying goodbye to the girls.
I was devastated. I felt like I had done something wrong. I was upset and in disbelief that someone could do that to somebody's child. I was completely lost and didn’t know what to do next.
After some time and by the grace of my two connections in France I found a new family. We stuck together the whole year and I have the fondest of memories. We still maintain our relationship and it fills my heart with happiness.
Over my personal evolution I processed that first situation.
The father never approved of kicking me out and told me I can stay as long as I need, which solidified my judgment on their unhappiness and miscommunications with each other. At the initial meeting I was told it was important to sort things out with me to maintain my relationship with the girls, and that they wanted me to have a safe space. Being kicked out confirmed for me those words were bullshit.
After some time I let myself know and accept that I did all I could with a kind and open heart. It was not my fault what happened.
It is not easy to take up space in a foreign country. It is not your birthright as a foreigner. I do, to some degree, have to prove to others I deserve to be here. I had to plan ahead for my next steps if I wanted to stay. The new family I worked for had connections in the domain I want to enter so I was then advised towards masters programs.
It took me 6 months of applying to jobs daily with custom CVs and cover letters, numerous rounds of interviews and trips to Paris to refine my verbiage around selling myself, believing I am worthy of this, and fighting for it daily.
There are times to hold your head high. But when life is training you, or teaching you a lesson, it is time to put your head down and do the work.
I had that epiphany on the stairmaster one day. Around the 25 minute mark at level 12 with 5 more minutes to go. If you don't know what that means just know that I refer back to this statement anytime I find myself doing something difficult. Just put your head down. Breathe deeply. And go.
I never got a job to accompany my masters. So I’m not even in a masters program. I still moved to Paris though. And I am still worthy of taking up space here. So I created my own.
And I am just getting started…
The past year I have begun to speak for myself more assertively, continued to elevate my standards and even sell myself for a high value, believe in myself more deeply, fight for myself, and maintain resilience and hold on through tough moments.
Things have not gone my way. My heart has been deeply hurt. I have cried. A lot. Felt hopeless. Everytime I accept the radical responsibility of my true reality and get back to work, whilst trusting that the work will yield something better when the time is right.
I’ve better learned to trust my path and where I find myself in the current moment in time. If things have not gone my way I find another, and another, until something sticks. You are bound to find your footing that is optimal for what you desire.
Life always works out for you even if you can't see it at the moment. Always.
Landing in Bordeaux with my intention set on Paris let me see France for more than just its capital. I traveled to many parts of my region and learned about different subcultures within France that I don't think I would have grasped if I only lived in Paris. I speak better French because I was living in deep French country. I have had some of the freshest seafood in the world while sitting next to mountaintops and oceans, and at the same time being close enough to touch true ibérico ham.
The wine is not bad either.
And finally, it is crucial to always find gratitude and to live with no regrets. Everything can happen for your own character development. Everything can be seen as a positive as long as you see and transform it that way in which you see it.
Each moment has transformed me into the stronger version of the woman that I am. I couldn't be more proud of my perseverance and willingness to see and embody the lessons life had offered to me. I am eternally grateful for every rejection, redirection, encounter, and acceptance I have received on my journey. I am incredibly grateful to stand where I stand, with what I hold in my hands.
I now welcome and embrace any challenge life hands me. For it is on my path that I trust it and myself to overcome, and come out a better version on the horizon.
